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I am fucking tired of unnecessarily doing hints for people who don’t fucking deserve it at all. I’m done.

New Years resolutions rough draft

1. The House: Help my parents get their house looking nicer.  Try and get some paint on the walls and some title decoration. At the very least I will tidy things up a bit and get some containers happening to get a bit more organized in the house. Maybe even build a bookcase for the downstairs nook in the family room. Definitely, dressing up the bathrooms and kitchen over with some neat small decor.

2. School: Pick a academic major and forge forward. No more dilly dallying. Try and finish BS in two more years in a science of some kind and pick up from there.

3. Losing weight: Initially this was at 20 pounds. However, it would make me an unattractive underweight. I say underweight because I would be at 97 or so which is terribly underwight for a person of my height. I have changed it to 15 pounds instead. And better yet, all should be achieved before the summer.

4. Novel: Finish the novel from a couple years ago.

Maybe I should have a mental breakdown every month or so to keep things entertaining

You still read her blog and not mine. And I have no problems saying this openly and having it be obvious to you that it is about you and her, because you won’t be coming around here any time soon.

Maybe it’s better that you don’t come around. Vulnerability is not a good color on me.

Growing necessity

The one that intimidates me. The one that makes me blush and bite my lip.  Makes me think and makes it impossible. Making it look easy.

The nonexistant models of excellence

Is there such a man that would give all the prestige of his life to ensure that love and the woman they love are both satisfied?

And is there a woman out there that would not allow him to do so for his benefit?

It’s a repeated song on repeat on repeat on repeat

It’s difficult for me to forgive you for falling in love with another girl before you met me.

In every way this statement seems unfair.  It’s not right to hold a grudge against someone for doing something before you ever even knew them.  But yet I feel this twinge and I hope that I am good enough of a person that it is jealousy rather than suspicion.  Suspicion that you don’t ever really forget your first love and that I am just like a replacement to her in your life.  To be honest, when we started off running I thought that you had been well rested from the rat race before.  But you were in the boundary lines with her up till a mere 6 months before I met you.  And you stopped telling her you loved her only a few before. The adult in me understands why you might have withheld what you did when we first got together.  The adult in me tells me to be mature and rational about this all.  To not hold one against you because you found a happiness from someone other than myself.

But I have always partly loathed the adult in me.

I openly write this because you participate half as much as you did in my personal tragedies as you did hers.  To be fair I don’t involve you purposely, because I see there little reason for us both to wallow in my problems.  That’s another silly dilemna isn’t it?  Can you hold something against a person when you are the one that prevents them from doing the thing you want them to, without saying?  I suppose the obvious answer here is no.  And yet my knowledge of this answer gives me absolutely no consolation or satisfaction.

Guilty Minds

I wonder how some people can do something that they know is wrong and somehow convince themselves that they’ve done nothing wrong against anyone or their conscience. I wonder because I want this same ability.

I am not perfect, but I cannot fool myself out of guilt. You can… it’s distressing.

Constant

Things are beginning to shift, people are beginning to shake loose and time is still on it’s treacherous rampage.

I: Antony Gormley

Antony Gormley.

Antony Gormley is one of my most favorite sculptors/ installation artists.  The dominant body of his works are of the human body and the space and shape they take up in this world.  He is famous for his works like the Angel of the North, Domain Field, and most recently Blind Light.  He uses his own body as the model for his sculptures.

Antony Gormley: Figure 1973

Night, Antony Gormley 1983

Case for an Angel, Antony Gormley 1990

Field for the British Isles, Antony Gormley 1993

Best fiends

You are one of my best guy friends.  I implore you to to stop hurtling yourself into the pits of despair for a girl who doesn’t even realize what she has.  She is silly and young and has no idea of what it is like to have someone special and that is why she takes complete advantage of you.  I know that the things she says hurt you.  Things like how much she regrets the path she has taken, how far away from here she wants to be, memories with other men.  I know every single one is an insult to you and watch your face shake from the slap of these things that she constantly mentions.  She complains about her place in life, because she is unhappy with herself no matter how often she denies it.  She is not nearly as confident and self indulgent as she would like you and everyone else to believe.

Move on to another girl.  No, move on to a woman.  One who knows her place in life and has learned to embrace what you have and what comes rather than regret, wish and indulges in childhood fantasies of what life should really be.

Why do you stay with her?  And talk to me afterwards about how miserable you are.  Do you know how much I wish I could tell you that you are a fool to stay with her?  I wish I could tell you all the things that I know would hurt your feelings and would only drive you deeper into depression.  The medication you are taking is not an inherent disorder but a direct consequence of this girl that is pulling everything you have built into your life.  I remember my best friend that never let a frown hold on for longer than a minute or the best friend of mine who’s laugh could be heard from down the block.  I miss you, best friend.